From the July 1980 issue of the Socialist Standard
1. A police check on your car reveals that many parts arc defective and dangerous. Do you:
a) Plead pressure of work and tell him to spend more time chasing social security scroungers?
b) Tell him that, if he doesn’t back off you will mention his impertinence to the Chief Constable at the next Hunt Ball?
c) Insist that, in a society which produces its wealth in order to make profit for a minority, most goods are cheap and nasty—some even dangerous?
d) Scream about harrassment by the fuzz?
e) Meekly admit your guilt and plead for forgiveness?
2. You can’t get a blade for your pocket knife because the shop says there’s a shortage. Do you:
a) Say that it’s all the fault of the lousy steel strikers, who should be locked up or deported?
b) Wonder aloud what we would do without the small business man?
c) Engage the shop assistant in a discussion on the real meaning of “shortage”, mentioning the existence of starvation in the midst of plenty, the potential abundance of the world which is frustrated by a system of commodity production?
d) Blame it on Third World exploitation by “Big Business”?
e) Hope they’ll turn them into ploughshares?
3. The banks all announce record profits. Do you:
a) Ring them all up and ask about a loan to tide you over?
b) Smile as you recall how many banks you have shares in?
c) Curse as you use up part of your valuable lunch break in the queue to pick up some silly bits of paper which this social system says you must have before you can get what you need to live?
d) Recommend that the banks be nationalised.
e) Reflect that, as the old testament says that interest is a mortal sin and the new testament says it is OK, the whole thing is very confusing?
4. The prophets of the press predict a nuclear war. Do you:
a) Check your insurance policy?
b) Buy a few thousand shares in nuclear shelters?
c) Campaign even more vigorously for the abolition of the system which makes such wars inevitable, which devotes such an enormous part of its wealth and ability to the production of weapons — all in the interests of a parasitic minority?
d) Set out on ban the bomb demos?
e) Think that, although he obviously moves in a mysterious way, god is on our side?
How do you rate?
Majority of as: You’re probably a small business man, hanging on by the skin of your teeth against competition from the big combines. Stop pretending that you’re a capitalist and start thinking about a new society.
Majority of bs: You’re a member of the capitalist class, so what are you doing reading this?
All cs: You’ve seen through the sham of capitalism and have realised the need for a social revolution to bring in socialism. If you’re not already a member of the SPGB, apply at once to join.
Majority of ds: Call yourself a socialist?
Majority of es: You obviously believe that you’ll get your reward in heaven, so it doesn’t matter what happens to us here and now. Sucker.
W. G. Grace