The Halo Halo! column from the April 2015 issue of the Socialist Standard
There’s only one thing worse than being cornered in the pub by a drunk Sun reader who insists on explaining, in detail, his personal analysis of the weakness in the defence at Arsenal’s last away game, together with the meaning of life and his recommendations for dealing with ISIS; and that’s being cornered by a bible thumper who recognises you as someone who needs, urgently, to be assured that Jesus is your Lord and Saviour.
At least with the Sun reader it’s obvious, right from the start, what he is. He doesn’t kick off by exchanging pleasantries about the weather and then start introducing Jesus into each sentence after twenty seconds. With the Sun reader you make allowance for the fact that the images tumbling around in his brain, formed by years of exposure to page 3 and lurid accounts of the private lives of footballers and models, will transform themselves into a stream of verbiage which can then be gushed out to explain any topic under discussion.
With the born-again believer it’s more difficult. What explanation is there for their surreal view of the world? OK, they may also be Sun readers which won’t help, but what other nightmares shape the fantasies of the self-confessed ‘sinner’? What is it that makes them ashamed of being human, convinced that their only purpose in life is to prepare for another, future one, in which an invisible tyrant will reward, or punish them, for every thought or action taken now?
This month we’re taking you on a guided tour of a bible-thumper’s brain, or rather the ideas on which it is fed, courtesy of a couple of religious websites. Fasten your seat belts and hold on tight: First, the titles of a selection of articles showing what’s important to Christian Post readers:
‘Muslims Will Continue Beheading Non-Believers Until Jesus Slays the Antichrist’. … ‘If Islamic Terrorists Are Devout Muslims, Why Are They Hooked On Porn?’… ‘This Pastor Chose Against Acting on His Same-Sex Attractions’. … ‘Former Megachurch Pastor Tells Oprah the Church Is “Moments Away” From Embracing Gay Marriage’. … ‘3 Reasons You Must Not See Fifty Shades Of Grey’. … ‘I Witnessed Men With Size 13 and 14 Shoes Kissing Each Other’.
A selection of well-balanced articles there, clearly making the point that Jesus loves you. Now, what can the Charisma News add to that?
How about –‘Evil Empire: The 10 Plagues, Islam and the Judgement of God’. … ‘Psychopathic Porn: The X-Rated Path of Destruction’. … ‘9 Prophetic Keys For Binding the Homosexual Spirit’. … ‘Have You Committed the Unpardonable Sin? … ‘Pop Evil Rocker Casts Demon Out of Brother’. … ‘Sex Trafficking Expert Has 5 Alarming Concerns About ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’. … ‘Franklin Graham Speaks Bluntly About Transgender Bathrooms’.
Having digested these, and now safely in the arms of Jesus, you may now like to add: ‘Jeb Bush to Make Case for Stronger U.S. Role in World’. And don’t miss ‘Dilemma for Jeb: How Bush 3 Would Deal With Iraq’.
Ah well, it could be worse. At least it’s not just pointless tabloid sex and violence is it? Oh, hang on . . .
NW
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